


Journey

by ThisMorning



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 07:02:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12127080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisMorning/pseuds/ThisMorning
Summary: Sometimes life is so cruel yet beautiful at the same time.





	Journey

Sometimes life is so cruel yet beautiful at the same time.  


Barney didn't believe in fate. Fate, destiny, true love--those things were for hapless romantics like Ted. Or, those were for people who live their life with a sort of innate confidence that everything has its course and will eventually turn out to be all right. These people regard life as some kind of journey which, if each 'quest' along said jourey is handled just right with a kind heart and sincere honesty, rewards those travelers with a certain destination that the travelers secretly or even unknowingly, inadvertently longed for.     


He wasn't one of those people.    


To him, life was never about something 'in the future.' It was not a journey for somewhere. Instead, life was a montage of  every present moment of state of being. Admittedly, he prided  himself that his life was basically awesome that way. Playing laser tag when you wanted a thrilling outlet for pressure, sleeping with hot girls that fell for his masterplan of plays, enjoying a glass of scotch listening to Lily and Marshall argue over the last chicken wing, those sort of things.  


Thinking about future was not even depressing, it was just plain boring. And because future was boring, commitment was boring. What is commitment, if it is not shackling yourself to a promise for a future?  


His lifestyle  was much better.  


Of course, there were some nights that he wasn't really sure of that, but he generally opted to ignore those moments.    


So, no, Barney Stinson did not believe in destiny.  


That is, until he met Robin.  


He still remembers, to this day, his wandring thoughts at the night of the wedding day when he silently watched Robin sleep. He couldn't help but feel that this--this marriage, this getting to know Robin, falling in love with her and getting her to fall in love with him--was a big cosmic plan all along. Masterplan of some sorts. He remembered every detail, every encounter that might have gone only slightly wrong and turn this heart-wrenchingly beautiful reality into nothingness. What if he didn't call Ted to hang out at the bar that night when Ted first saw Robin? What if he never got hit by that bus, so he, till the end, did not realize his feelings for Robin? What if Kevin still wanted to marry Robin despite Robin's inability to have kids? What ifs, what ifs, so many what ifs - but those what ifs somehow worked in just the right way so as to bring him to this... _happiness_ . This happiness that he never dared to dream of, happiness he only recently realized he longed for.    


_Maybe this is life rewarding me for my "journey",_ he thought.  _God knows I was and am not a good human being._ _I have the guts to admit that while I was awesome I was also an awful person at times. But... maybe I  deserve happiness, too._   


Maybe he deserved to not feel broken, he thought. Maybe he deserved happiness for all those times in his childhood wondering for his absent dad; for all those silent prayers under the covers--wishing his dad would come and play basketball with him--that were never answered; for the time Shannon broke his trust and shattered his heart; for all the secret moments where he would lay in his large bed feeling just a little bit empty and broken inside; for the moments where he would feel that while he considered Lily and Ted and Marshall to be his closest, best friends, he were never considered to be theirs.  


 

Maybe I deserve Robin and the happiness that comes with it, he thought. _I changed for her, and will continue to try to be a better man._   
  
  


Which, of course, all went downhill from there.  
 

The thing is, Barney knew that he can delude himself very well if he wanted to. Hell, he believed Bob Barker was his father for God knows how many years just because he needed it. He is a master of self-delusion. So, he deluded himself to thinking that there was such a thing as life's ultimate 'plan' for him, for just a while.  


 

What he couldn't delude himself to believe was that marriage with Robin was working out.  


After three years, Robin and Barney got divorced.  


See, now Barney was completely lost.  


I mean, he knew that divorce was necessary. He was rational enough to see that. Whereas Barney still loved her dearly, something in their relatinonship was breaking. Maybe it was the constant bickering that escalated to shouting matches arising from Robin's traveling schedules and work. Maybe it was Barney feeling neglected that Robin would always choose to put her career first. Or maybe it was Barney being unsupportive and uncaring husband to his hardworking wife. He frankly could not exactly pinpoint as to  _why_ they were not working out, only lots of theories that ran around making a mess of his brain whenever it was  _not_ drowned in scotch.   


Whenever his brain was not drowned in scotch, he thought too much and felt too much.  


And thus, he opted to drown himself in scotch. And girls.  


The thing is, Barney thought he had grown. Matured. Maybe 'fixed,' a little, even though whenever he thought that a large part of him still argued that he was too awesome to be 'fixed.' Anyhow, he thought he changed for the better, through several years of learning how to love somebody, to be with somebody, trust somebody, and be the person whom other person can trust. He was past being that womanizer who chased tails of some unknown girls for one good night.     


Apparently, he hadn't changed at all.  


Or, maybe he did change, but was too weak to stay changed forever. Or maybe it was just too  easy to revert back to old, familiar lifestyle.  


It's just like alcohol or drug addiction, he rationalized himself. Plenty of people go through rehab, group therapy for years, finally becoming drug- or alcohol- free for a considerable amount of time--until comes that crippling event that leads them to open that bottle of Jack Daniels hiding in the closet or welcome that sickeningly sweet powder once again.     


 

At least when he was banging on chicks he didn't feel too intensely anymore.  


After the divorce, Barney believed that he figured out the truth: there was no such thing as destiny or life's plan. Or, there wasn't one for somebody like himself. Maybe there was for people like Ted or Marshall who did everything right by the books, with kind-hearted sincerity that he apparently lacked. There was no grand prize, however, not for people like him, no.  
 

What he deserved was this realization that he needed to enjoy every instant 'now' of his life to its fullest, anyway he can, because that's all he's ever going to get.  


Or so he thought.  


Life is cruelly funny that way.  


And beautiful.  


The thing is, as he silently watches blonde curls of hair falling gently on her soft forehead and eyelids drooping over that heartbreakingly blue eyes--just like his own--he can never regret anything that happened. His divorce with Robin, and the pain with it; his desperate attempts to forget that pain, wandering around the bar for how many nights; meaningless sex after sex; because without those, he wouldn't get to watch his three-year old daughter-- _his daughter_ \--sigh happily next to him, squirming in her sleep, next to him in his bed. If all of that had to happen for Ellie and all the miracles that came with it, he would go through it again anytime in a heartbeat.  


Maybe life is a journey, or maybe it's not. He isn't quite sure; but what he knows for sure is that Ellie is not the 'destination' of his journey.  


 

She's his start.      


 

 

 

 


End file.
